Editor’s Note: This is part 9 of Marie’s story.
Today was therapy session day with Carl – finally! After the usual preliminaries, we got down to business . . .
Carl: From your status report, I gathered you experienced quite a bit of very difficult stuff in the past month! Is there any part of it you want to talk about today?
Me: For the most part, I think I got everything sorted and processed. I feel okay about everything that happened and I don’t really need to talk about it. However, there is a consequential issue I have been struggling with a lot lately . . .
Carl: Okay . . I’d like to hear about it!
Me: Well, um . . . well . . . wow . . . it’s kind of tough to just start talking about it . . .
Carl: You can take your time. I’m not in a hurry.
Me: Well . . . it’s about how I have violent fantasies (Nervous laugh) I feel weird . . . I mean, I’m not sure how to walk in here after not seeing you for a month and launch into such a heavy and personal subject right off the bat. It seems I ought to ease into it.
Carl: (With a touch of humor and a bit of drama) I guess you could launch into it by walking in, sitting down and saying, “Good morning! Today I’d like to talk about how I have violent fantasies.”
Me: Yeah, that would work! (Nervous giggle)
Carl: Or, you could do it exactly like you did it . . . that was perfect!
Me: Okay . . thanks! So . . . are you comfortable having a conversation about that? Is it okay for us to go there?
Carl: Yes, I’m fine with talking about it and it is fine for us to go there.
Me: Okay . . . so . . . I guess I’m mostly struggling with understanding why I have uncontrollable thoughts about ugly material. I don’t understand why these ugly thoughts help me relax.
Carl: When did you start using this kind of fantasy? [Carl’s hypothesis – rightly so – is that my ugly fantasies are a way in which I express things I experienced – things I’m not yet ready to bring to conscious memory. He realizes I’m always trying to tell my story, and with no one to tell it to until now, I’ve hidden the story in my mind in the form of fantasy.]
Me: It started right after my mom had “the birds and the bees” talk with me when I was nine years old. She gave me the sterile, clinical side of the story and I turned to my school friends to get the real scoop. One of my girlfriends told me about a Judy Blume book that described a girl losing her virginity. The book talked about the pain of having sex for the first time.
I remember being aware I was more in touch with the pain component than my friends were. I remember feeling shame about that.
Right after that, I started working out my thoughts about sex with my Barbie dolls. I had a collection of 21 female dolls and one male doll (Ken). The female dolls ranged in size/age from infant to adult. I assigned each of the female dolls an age so I would have one doll per year of age (zero-20). I would line them up in a row, youngest to oldest.
Then, I would pretend Ken would have sex with one of the younger females. She would get pregnant and have a baby. As “time passed”, I would trade out the current dolls for the next year older dolls. After a year or two, the “mother” girl would have another baby. Then all three dolls would get a year older.
I continued this process until the babies got old enough to have babies, then Ken would have sex with them and they would have babies and the process would continue over and over again.
I don’t ever remember playing with my dolls any other way. I mean, my friends would come over and they would want to play “house” with the dolls. They would have the dolls go shopping, dress up for parties, eat dinner . . . and I would watch in fascination at the strange way they crafted stories about “normal” life. That kind of play never interested me and I was usually annoyed at having to play that way with them. I couldn’t wait for my friends to leave so I could play the way I wanted to play.
(Feeling out of breath and anxious) Whew . . . this is tough to talk about! I didn’t think it would be this tough . . .
Carl: You are doing well . . .
Is it tough for you to talk about this because you are concerned I’m judging you, or is there another reason?
Me: Oh, no, not at all. It’s just that, when I’m going back in my memory, I’m remembering things in the context of being a young girl. I didn’t have vocabulary to describe things back then and I’m finding I don’t have access to my adult vocabulary when I’m actively remembering. The memories arrive in the form of emotions, pictures and bodily sensations . . . and I have to transport the memories in those formats to present day, then I have to translate them into adult language so I can tell you about them. It’s a bit tricky . . . and a bit exhausting.
Carl: Okay – I understand. Do you want to continue or would you like to stop?
Me: I would like to continue . . .
The other way I acted out these fantasies was to create charts to record the passage of time. In the fantasies, I would be a young girl who is in some situation where I am required to submit to sex. I’m not physically held down or anything, but it is more that there is no way to escape and I am controlled psychologically rather than physically. I submit because submitting is the only way to survive.
I am required to have sex with adult men. I get pregnant and have children. The passage of time, and the progressing ages of me and of my children are tracked on these charts. One day of real time equals one week of fantasy time – oh, wait . . . no . . . it had to have been one real day equals one fantasy month . . . the other way would have been too slow.
Anyway . . . when I get old enough in my fantasy, I start over again at the younger age.
Carl: Is a key component of the fantasy always sex between a small female and a large male – specifically having to do with the size difference?
Me: Yes, very much so.
To be continued…
Other posts in Marie’s series:
- Part 1: My Therapist Stinks… I’m Searching for a New One
- Part 2: Choosing A Therapist… and Breathing Again
- Part 3: I Have Always Had to Keep the “Real Me” In Hiding…
- Part 4: My First Therapy Session with Carl
- Part 5: An Email I Sent to Carl After Our First Session
- Part 6: Dad Threatened to Kick Me Out, So I Planned Accordingly…
- Part 7: Do You Feel You Have Intrinsic Value as a Person?
- Part 8: I Am Learning Not to Fight the Tears
- Part 9: It’s About How I Have Violent Fantasies