Editor’s Note: This is part 49 of Marie’s Story, continued from What Comes Next in My Healing Journey
In thinking back on this week’s therapy session, I have been pondering the exchange between Carl and I concerning how I might feel if we didn’t have a plan in place for our next session.
On the surface, it might look like Carl is encouraging me to be wasteful with our session time.
Indeed, that is the thought that crossed my mind when he first started down that path. However, I have come to the conclusion that is not the case. I believe he wants me to be consciously aware of my motivations, especially when it comes to performance-oriented behaviors.
I have a long history of being motivated primarily by the fear of appearing to be “not enough.”
Much of my behavior has been driven by my attempts to win the approval of my dad—or whatever alpha male is presently in my life. I think Carl is trying to teach me to be motivated by internally-focused intentions like health and well-being.
Something else about the session: I didn’t cry at all during and I feel good about that. Not because I want to avoid crying, but because I am relieved to find myself feeling “finished” with the stuff pertaining to my parents (at least for the most part).
I have been concerned that the reason it is taking me so long to process this stuff is because I might be subconsciously malingering. But, since I did not get overwhelmed in the last session, I feel that is not the case. The lack of tears and strong emotion are proof to myself that I am not malingering, and that is good.
Finally, an update on my friend Larry.
I want to be careful about the significant relationships I am creating. I want to select people who are committed to being as healthy as possible on all levels and who are psychologically “awake”.
I’m starting to think that maybe he is not someone who fits that bill.
This afternoon, Larry told me “Thanks, but no thanks” with regards to my invitation to have Thanksgiving dinner with my family. He said that his ex-girlfriend invited him to her house, and he wanted to accept her invitation instead of mine because he is thinking there is a chance they might get back together.
He told me more about his relationship with this gal. She has treated him pretty badly, but that she has promised to not be like that anymore. Hmm. He has previously told me about how his wife treated him very badly as well. Assuming he is telling truthful stories about both women, it seems he allows women to treat him badly and take advantage of his willingness to support them financially.
Furthermore, I recently invited him to join a group of us for a piano recital given by the music professors from the local university. He declined that invitation and is not showing any inclination to initiate a get-together. Maybe I’ll just back off of this possibility. He can extend an invitation to me if he cares to do so.
Otherwise, I’m done trying to initiate a relationship with him.