Today, I’m going to tell you what’s at the root of most couple’s arguments. And I’m going to explain how you and your partner can fight less and love more.
It might surprise you to find out that the heart of most couple’s issues – and fights – is not so much anger, but anxiety
As a simple example, if you’re feeling insecure, you might get very anxious if you notice your partner looking at an attractive person.
When this happens, you probably don’t approach your partner with what’s making you anxious – you usually don’t communicate in a way that invites a dialogue, saying, “I’m finding myself anxious because I’ve noticed you looking at this other woman who walked by, and I wonder if you could help soothe my anxiety by reassuring me that you find me attractive.”
Instead, in your anxiety, you’re more inclined to attack your partner, saying, “How dare you look at that other person that way? Don’t you find me attractive? What’s wrong with you that you’re looking at other people?”
Sadly, when you attack your partner for doing something that makes you anxious, you’ll probably hear your partner take a position of defending their action, because they feel attacked. Now, your partner defending their action only makes you more anxious and more angry. This is how couples end up in arguments that they don’t know how to get out of.
The real key for couples is this: if you’re going to argue less, recognize when your partner is doing something that is making you anxious, and rather than insist that your partner stop doing that, gently go to your partner and communicate your anxiety and your need for reassurance. By inviting your partner to love you, you’re far more likely to get the care that you long for.