Editor’s Note: This is part 58 of Marie’s Story, continued from It’s Just a Matter of Being.
I’ve been doing some thinking since my therapy session yesterday.
I think I am committing a passive form of suicide.
When I try to motivate myself to take better care of myself, I sometimes picture myself with a healthy body and a higher energy level. I imagine myself having the ability to bend over to tie my shoes without having to hold my breath. I imagine myself being able to sit on delicate piano benches without them threatening to break apart. I imagine myself being able to hike at a respectable speed.
When I start thinking that way, I find myself pulling back from the idea because if I am healthy, I might have to stick around longer than I really want to. I don’t want to do anything that would cause me to live longer than absolutely necessary.
I have debated the wisdom of talking to Carl about my desire to not live. I don’t want him freaking out and committing me to the psych ward. However, I think he can tell that I’m not actively suicidal—as in, I’m not planning to end my life right now. Rather, I just have plans to kill myself once my mom dies, which will likely be in a decade or two from now.
If I were seriously planning to kill myself now-ish, I wouldn’t be talking about it because I wouldn’t want anyone to be able to stop me. I’d just quietly do it.
In the meantime, I do have a smidgen of hope that someday I might actually feel purpose and joy—that is my preference, after all. So, I’m still willing to talk about my desire to die. I hope Carl takes comfort in that.
He doesn’t seem to be very concerned about my suicidal thinking because he didn’t ask to discuss it further in yesterday’s session. I imagine he will bring it up in a future session, but I think he knows it is not an urgent matter.
There’s another side effect of not wanting to live: I’m hesitant to begin new long-term relationships (romantic or platonic) that might burden me later. If my mom dies, but I still have other people in my life who would be greatly hurt by my suicide, I’d be obligated to stick around. I’m just now beginning to understand how much of an impact my not wanting to be here is having on my life.